VN-VN: The Vietnamese wedding

The law of Creation dictates that a man and a woman meet each other, love each other, live together and give birth to children to permanently maintain the family lineage and genes, like all other living species.  This applies to many, many people.

Here, we will discuss marital relationship and its formalization which is the Vietnamese wedding custom.

1. Marital principles

1.1 Marriage meaning

Firstly, is there a difference between a couple living together as husband and wife but without being married and a legally married couple? 

Objectively, a marriage is an undertaking between two persons, which has been formalized under the law and in the eyes of families and friends of both parties, with all the constraints and responsibilities which both parties cannot ignore, spiritually and administratively.

“A wife is a string around the ankles.  A husband is a yoke around the neck” (Vietnamese proverb)

Even nowadays, getting married and getting divorced are common occurrences but marriage is still a very important decision which should be carefully deliberated beforehand.

1.2 Family relationship

To have a faithful, peaceful and loving family, with relatively adequate living conditions and kind relationships, always trying to improve, to reach higher..., this a dream for any common person and here the Buddha defines this as Happiness. Among the basic requirements for happiness, marital relationship and behavior, which is defined here as marital principles, are one of the most obvious and important factors.

In a family, parents and children or brothers and sisters are relationships based on blood and cannot be erased. On the other hand, two complete strangers, meeting each other and living their whole remaining lives together, create another very important relationship. Actually, we can live with our parents, our children, our brothers and sisters for around twenty years but we could live with our spouse for sixty years (of course, not counting divorces). This is marital relationship.

1.3 Luck, Debt, Destiny, Karma

“If we are meant to be together, even if we are thousand miles apart we will still meet

If we are not meant to be together, even if we are face to face we still cannot relate to each other.”

Due to the influence of the Tripartite Religion, especially Buddhism, we, Asians firmly believe in destiny.
(VN-VN / Beliefs of the Vietnamese people:
https://phu-tran.blogspot.com/2018/04/vn-vn-beliefs-of-vietnamese-people.html)

Two persons meet each other, one event happens, even successfully buying a house or not, everything depends on Luck.

Two people like each other, whether or not they can proceed further depends on Debt.  “Debt” here does not necessarily mean they owe each other money or favor or grievance but it has to be understood in a broad sense, meaning there is a related factor which has not been completely resolved in their previous lives. To make it easier to understand, let’s use the American term “unfinished business”.

We are fortunate to meet each other, we have a “debt” to pay and live with each other but sometimes our marriage is broken, this is Destiny. We can say that our debt has been paid, like when our debt in life is finished then we will leave this world.

Accordingly, if we love someone but are not loved back, marry someone but our marriage does not last then this is our destiny, we should not be unduly bothered by this.

To say this does not mean that Buddhism promotes pessimism and passivity. Buddhism teaching has another important concept which is Karma, everything we do or will do affects our destiny. Therefore, we should cultivate a good spirit in order to change the bad part of Destiny the best we can.

1.4 Principles

To marry the one we love is one thing, to keep this person with us for the rest of our life is really difficult.

To live is not that easy, to live depending on another person, even if it is our decision, is many times more difficult. So, how to live in accordance with the marital principles in order to have a peaceful, loving home?

To go into full details would entail a lot of theory, we would limit ourselves to a few mantras:

- Common ground: husband and wife share common ground regarding ideas, living outlook and moral values; nobody is superior to the other, and nobody is inferior to the other... 

- Understanding: to love but not understand each other can potentially lead to misunderstandings and a broken relationship

- Honesty: the couple should trust each other

- Love

- Forgiveness...

The most complex factors would probably be related to the set of two equations 2=1 and 1=2.

2=1:  TWO persons become ONE couple (one usually compares a married couple to a set of chopsticks) to share their lives together but this means that each person would have to lose one half of itself and receive the other person’s half. Westerners refer to their spouse as “my other half” and Vietnamese couple calls each other “Mình” (or Myself, which means the other person has become part of ourselves). One is used to live by oneself so to live with “two of oneself” is, of course, really difficult and there are people who choose to remain celibate because they do not accept to lose freedom and to compromise (?). Here, when one’s self love is greater than human love then living together is really difficult. Pride is the enemy of love.

1=2: Although called ONE couple there are, however, TWO different persons and each one has the “right” to live his/her own private part of his/her life. To “lose” one half of oneself does not mean losing everything and receiving one half of the other person does not mean receiving everything. Each one has to live his/her own life WITH the other one.

These are two nearly opposite equations and we have to solve them the best we can, monthly, yearly. So, we would have to give way to each other to have a peaceful home and the wedding ring is a reminder of such tolerance.

“To forbear one thing leads to ten good things”, “Nine leads to ten”, “One big thing becomes small, one small thing should not lead to a big thing” , these are many proverbs, idioms to remind ourselves of this fact.

However, one should bear in mind “to receive and to give back creates satisfaction on both sides”.

Talk is easy but action is really very difficult.

2. Vietnamese wedding

Traditional Vietnamese wedding customs are generally rich and complex.

In the past, marriage is considered a happy event if one’s life, marriage is the origin, the root of a couple’s happiness in life, therefore, it needs the permission of both sides’ parents. With time, progress and development in society lead to many changes in wedding customs and ceremonies. However, generally, the Vietnamese still retain the basic ceremonies of a complete wedding: Dating, Engagement and Wedding.

The dates of any event must be carefully chosen accordingly to the young couple’s horoscopes.

2.1 Dating ceremony

This ceremony formalizes the first step of marriage relationship between the two families. This ceremony no longer follows the old tradition but is now just a meeting between the two families so that the boy’s family goes to the girl’s family to ask for the couple to have official permission to freely see each other, to get better knowledge and understanding of each other before proceeding to marriage, this also lets the two families know each other better.   

The dating ceremony presents are simply betel leaves and areca nuts (which represent marriage love in Vietnamese fairy tales), sometimes, there are also herbal tea and candies in even number. The two families discuss and choose the dates and other formalities for the engagement and wedding ceremonies.

After the dating ceremony, the girl is considered to have a boyfriend, the first step toward marriage. (Actually, this step is now obsolete because the young ones don’t need parents’ permission to date who they want.)

2.2 Engagement ceremony

This is when the boy’s family goes to the girl’s family to ask for the boy to marry the girl, this is the official announcement of the promise of marriage relationship between the two families and clans.  The engagement presents are in caskets, usually in odd numbers 5, 7, 9 or 11 boxes, the ceremonial items inside them are in even numbers.

The engagement items are usually green rice flakes cakes, “su sê” cakes (also called husband-wife cakes), preserved and sweetened lotus seeds, tea, wine, betel leaves, areca nuts, cigarettes, ... and also glutinous rice, roast pork, these are the minimum traditional ceremonial items.

These engagement gifts represent the gratitude of the boy’s family to the girl’s parents for bringing up the girl and also show the love and respect of the boy’s family for the future bride.

The girl by accepting the gifts officially becomes the boy’s future bride. In this engagement ceremony, the two families also decide the wedding day.

After the engagement ceremony, the girl’s family will share the good news and give out betel leaves and areca nuts to their relatives and friends. The boy’s family will also announce the good news in the form of engagement cards but do not provide gifts.

2.3 Wedding ceremony

The wedding ceremony is the climax of the marriage program, it is a celebration of the groom and bride coming together and the two families close relationship, therefore, it has a sacred meaning.

The wedding ceremony includes the following rituals:

Bridal procession

At the chosen time and date, the groom, his father and the groom’s family representatives come to the girl’s house, with the wedding carriage and flowers to take the bride back to the boy’s home. 
The boy’s and girl’s families introduce the people taking part in the ceremony, the boy’s family then gives the girl’s family the asking bride betel leaves, asking the girl’s family permission for the groom to go fetch his bride.

The bride and the groom pray at the ancestors’ altar at the girl’s house and finally the boy’s family asks permission to take the new bride to her husband’s home.

When the bride arrives at her husband home, praying at the ancestors’ altar ceremony will also be completed here. At this time, the girl officially becomes member of the boy’s family. The boy’s parents accept their daughter in law and wish happiness to their children.

Subsequently, the wedding ceremony will take place at the boy’s house with speeches from representatives of both families, giving out of presents, followed by sweets or a full meal.

The wedding reception usually takes place with both families and friends at the boy’s or girl’s house or at a restaurant, depending on the number of guests or financial circumstances of both sides.

About clothing, the "Ao dai" is considered as the traditional outfit, mostly worn by the bride at certain steps of the ritual. The groom is more often dressed as a Westerner.



Returning ceremony: one or two days after the wedding, the young couple returns to the girl’s parents’ house, carrying items for the praying at the ancestors’ altar ceremony. The ceremonial items consist of betel leaves, glutinous rice, rooster meat or pork.  The bride and groom will stay and have a meal with the bride’s parents. The returning ceremony is an important ritual which serves to remind the newly married couple of their filial piety not only to the husband’s family but also the concern and caring of the wife’s family.  In addition, this shows the respect and concern of the boy’s family and the groom towards the girl’s family, creating a close relationship between the two families.

In addition, there are other special factors which depend on the North, Center or South regions or religions (Buddhism, Christianity,...) or ethnic customs if different.

However, to the bride and groom, their wedding is the happiest day of their lives so what matters is that they feel happy during the ceremony.

Last but not least, the wedding ceremony is only an external appearance, the essential factor is to build and maintain a happy family.

Let’s wish the bride and groom 100 years of happiness, living together till ripe old age.

Song Hỷ = Double Joy

  

Translated by Khai PHAN 

from VN-VN: Đạo nghĩa vợ chồng và Đám cưới Việt-Nam
December 2018